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The House of the Dragon Scorecard is an accounting of the events of this week’s episode, in which points are awarded to characters on a scale of 0 to 10. Points will be awarded for any or no reason.
Things have a way of coming to a head as a season of television nears its conclusion. What that means, exactly, depends on the kind of show you’re watching. On a show with spies, it might mean someone gets captured and finds themself in peril. On a comedy with a season-long arc, it might mean our beloved little scamps are ready to set their plan in motion. On a show like House of the Dragon, on the other hand, it could mean a lot of things. Maybe a bunch of dragons try to kill each other on a beach. Maybe a mother tries to assassinate her one-eyed son with a cup of poison tea. Maybe the queen begins a scandalous affair with a new lover as a betrayal takes place around a campfire in another town. Or maybe all of that happens in the same hour.
Yes, it’s a busy week in the Seven Kingdoms as we approach next week’s season finale. There are a lot of balls up in the air, with almost every character dealing with a precarious and delicate situation that could result in disaster. Baela might have accidentally torn two brothers apart. Someone lost a finger. There are potentially multiple loose dragons. It’s all a little exciting and a little messy. But there will be time to sort through all of that later.
For now, there are points to hand out.
Let’s check in with the queen as we approach the end of the season. She:
• Is accosting teens in their bedrooms to ask if they’ve had dreams about her being good at her job.
• Has been spending kind of a lot of time staring at the skull of the man she believed was responsible for her son’s death.
• Just heaved the skull into the fireplace after learning her son’s death was actually caused by her rebellious stepdaughter, whose involvement was concealed by her husband, the person who murdered some poor guy and presented his skull to her.
• Has started a torrid affair with her top adviser.
• Seems to be on the verge of shouting “I am doing the best I can!” to everyone and no one every second she is on the screen.
I sincerely wonder if she would do it all again if she found a way to go back in time. I bet she does, too.
I’ve been having a lot of fun recently adding the words “Oh, great …” to what I imagine Alicent’s running internal monologue looks like.
Oh, great, I’m trapped in this dark hallway …
Oh, great, I have to sneak an assassin into a leaky old castle so he can murder my terrible son …
Oh, great, my son killed the assassin …
Oh, great, my son is dating a witch …
Oh, great, I guess I have to try to murder my son with these poison berries now …
You could swap in an “Oh, brother,” too, if you’re feeling more New England about it all.
Daemon tries to be a good dad to his teenage daughter for once in his life, and it results in four dragons trying to tear each other apart on a beach as their riders all shriek impotent commands at them.
I’m sure a bunch of dads sat at home watching these unintended consequences of attempted parenting spiral out of control and found themselves thinking, Buddy, I have been there.
Hmmm. A devious blond man is left to lick his wounds inside a leaky castle under the care of a mysterious witch and suddenly begins having vivid dreams about being seduced by a member of his immediate family. Sounds familiar. I bet Aemond and Daemon could have a fascinating conversation about it all.
Anyway, let’s go ahead and assume Aemond survived Alicent’s poisoning, if only because the only people who have definitely, 100 percent died this season are the ones whose heads we’ve seen fully detached from their bodies. I suspect he’s going to be a little cranky when we see him next. Which is not entirely unreasonable given this very specific set of circumstances.
Ladies, you’ve all been there. You’re starting a new relationship with a guy. He has his faults, sure, but it’s working. Then you meet his mom, and she’s … a lot. He doesn’t see it, either. He’s inviting her to dinner and suggesting the two of you become friends, and suddenly a lot of things about his whole deal make sense. You try to warn him. You specifically tell him that she may be doing all of this for herself, to fill some need or prevent him from becoming independent, but he brushes you off.
Then, one day, she feeds him poisoned wine and flees your castle, and you’re left to deal with his stupid crawling body as he looks up at you with a mix of confusion and helplessness.
Hey, speaking of characters we assumed were dead for an extended period of time only to be surprised with their sudden and dramatic presence on the screen … what’s up, Sunfyre?
Was all of this maybe a little too cute, this thing where Aegon — after weeks of marching through the woods with little apparent purpose — decides to make his big stand and is miraculously backed up by the dragon just about everyone assumed was dead many episodes ago? I mean, sure. I groaned and laughed a little. But it is fun to have another loose dragon back on the board. I’ll take the win.
Two notes on Tyland:
• Rarely has any person been happier to see a fire-breathing hellbeast than he was in that moment.
• After weeks of trying to put my finger on it, I have decided that he looks like Donal Logue.
Moving on.
Man, there’s bad timing, and then there’s “finally decide to bail on the badly injured king you’d been hoping to rehabilitate through schemes to assist your own rise to prominence only for him to stumble across his long-lost dragon and become more powerful than he’s been at any point on your journey.”
I suspect, when Larys finds out what happened in those woods, he is going to groan for 90 uninterrupted seconds.
He spent the whole episode being a smug little snot — this is a compliment, somehow — about some big secret he had, and then, at the very end, after an hour of dragon fights and scandalous affairs, we discover he has recruited Ulf to betray Rhaenyra.
On one hand: Having a dragon will presumably help his cause, especially if Ulf can act as a double agent and sow chaos from inside the city walls.
On the other hand: lol, imagine relying on Ulf.
I am genuinely very excited to see how this plays out.
Poor Gwayne, man. Went from serving with Criston straight to serving with Ormund. No one will ever top Alicent in the field of making faces that scream Now how the hell did I get here?, but he’s making a nice run at the silver medal in this event.
Sweet children with ideas do not do very well on these shows, typically. I suspect Daeron will continue that trend at some point. It’s tricky because, like, Ormund needs him alive but also seems like a guy who would gladly kill him and pivot to another plan the next day. I’ve taken to trying to shush him through the screen when he’s trying to scheme a little. It’s not going great for either of us.
Couple of notes on Helaena:
• She’s having visions of her idyllic chicken-keeping future being interrupted by a very literal “Winter Is Coming” situation, which is maybe not something other people will be stoked to hear.
• If I were Helaena, I would be like, “Uh, yeah, I had a vision. It said … um, it said a great doom will befall the entire realm unless someone goes to get me a large cheese pizza. And mozzarella sticks. Yes, pain and destruction for all otherwise. Marinara on the side for dipping, please.”
I would be murdered within weeks.
Really very hard to put into words how excited I am to see Ulf attempt subterfuge on a grand scale. I hope the next episode opens with him wearing a trench coat and hiding around corners of the castle.
Right, so as we’ve discussed, all characters on this show should be assumed living unless they are decapitated on-camera, which means I’m going to assume Sheepstealer survived. This means we now have two loose dragons out there, including Vhagar, whose own rider just got poisoned a little. Let’s go ahead and continue to monitor this situation.
Six points might seem like a lot, but consider:
• She’s really just so fed up with all of these people, which is beyond fair at this point.
• She made Daemon squirm a little bit, which is always a treat.
• It’s fun to picture her getting some DoorDash for lunch and then tossing her empty takeout container down that big murder hole in the sky she has.
So I think six is pretty fair.
It’s been a weird few weeks for Mysaria, with Daemon’s influence rising and falling, and her plan to leverage Helaena’s pregnancy falling apart within moments. She seems to be flailing a bit. And when you are flailing a bit professionally, what’s the universally accepted best course of action?
That’s right: Seduce your boss.
What could go wrong?
Sylvi showed up for like two minutes, called out Mysaria to her face, said “a whore will always be a whore” — which, one presumes, directly led to the aforementioned queen seducing — then marched out of the castle to go back to whatever the heck Sylvi spends rest of the day doing. Reasonable arguments can be made that she is the best character on the entire show.
I do not think I would enjoy having my decapitated head paraded through town as people cheered on loudly. No thank you to that.
I also do not think I would enjoy receiving a finger in the mail, my father’s or otherwise. I really cannot stress this point enough. Please do not mail me a finger.
When Baela told him about Alyn, after he’s spent like half the season trying to get her to eat and take a nap and really just laying it on as thickly as he knows how, it was about as close as any live-action show will ever get to that Simpsons scene with Ralph Wiggum where “you can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.”
Everyone on this show has a lot of plates spinning at once, but don’t discount Baela’s combination of:
• Just found out her sister was the one who kind of accidentally murdered her betrothed husband.
• Might have two brothers, one of whom has a dragon, preparing to tear each other apart for her affection.
That’s a full day right there.
The funniest moment of this episode, hands down, was when Torrhen was at the council meeting shouting about how “I feel like I am being made a scapegoat!” and the camera cut to Mysaria doing a full-on Kermit the Frog “but that’s none of my business” sip of her tea.
This show loves nothing more this season than to introduce a potential assassin and promptly thwart his plan via blade to the head or neck. There was the guy Daemon stabbed through the ear, and then the smelly killers Gwayne sniffed out, and now Ser Adrian, who took a knife to the throat within seconds of seeing Aemond. It’s becoming a fun trend to track.
Anyway, I’m giving Adrian a point just because at least he got introduced by name before dying. Given the fates of the others, that has to count for something.
I still think I would enjoy an entire episode that just follows the castle staff as they gossip among themselves about the things they’ve seen while doing their jobs. The scene where Rhaenyra’s maid gets to tell everyone about the conversation between her boss and Daemon she was forced to be present for … I mean, that would be riveting television. Let the people talk a little shit, I say.
Alys the Witch: 45
Mysaria: 42
Alicent Hightower: 36
Alyn of Hull: 36
Helaena Targaryen: 36
Daemon Targaryen: 33
Gwayne Hightower: 28
Rhaenyra Targaryen: 27
Alysanne Blackwood: 25
Larys Strong: 25
Addam of Hull: 24
Baela Targaryen: 23
Hugh Hammer: 23
Corlys “The Sea Snake” Velaryon: 23
Ulf the White: 23
Daeron Targaryen: 22
Ser Torrhen Manderly: 22
Grand Maester Orwyle: 22
Ormund Hightower: 21
Rhaena Targaryen: 20
The Rats of King’s Landing: 19
Sylvi: 17
Tyland Lannister: 17
Oscar Tully: 14
Aegon II Targaryen: 14
Lady Jeyne Arryn: 13
Ser Simon Strong: 10
Admiral Sharako Lohar: 9
The One Guy at Harrenhal Who Saw a Massive Fire-Breathing Dragon Swoop Toward the Castle and Reacted by Shouting “DRAGON”: 9
Various Castle Staff: 9
Joffrey Targaryen: 8
The High Septon: 5
Fake Daeron Targaryen: 4
Otto Hightower: 2
The Poor Shepherd Daemon Torched and Said Was Sheepstealer’s Rider: 2
Jacaerys “Jace” Velaryon: 1
Ser Lorent Marbrand: 1
Ser Adrian: 1
Ser Criston Cole: 0.00000000001
Lord Jasper: 0
Various Undercover Assassins: 0
Aemond Targaryen: -90
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