14 Signs of Financial Infidelity (and what to do if you suspect your partner is guilty)

Dan: ****And the first thing he [financial advisor] was talking about as I sat down was credit card debt and how to manage credit card debt now that she had $10,000 of credit card debt. And I was like, you have $10,000 of credit card debt, like how? And in those types of conversations, like he obviously was like, you didn’t know this? I didn’t want to have that conversation there, like I’d wanted to keep it progressing and focus on everything we were there to accomplish. And if it happened, we need to figure out a way forward.

Jordan: Honestly, I kept it a secret, because I thought I could fix it for a long time. I had an idea in my head that I’d be able to do it on my own. I also had this, I think, fear about what the reaction would be. And I think after so long, it just was a part of me, and I knew how much it impacted me emotionally that I was worried about what and how it would impact Dan in the long run, like it’s going to suck either way, and it sucked either way. But I had this idea in my head, I had one of those invisible manuscripts in my head that I’d fix it. And I went through it for a long time of like, I can fix it, I can fix it, I’ll get it down, it’s not a big deal. That, I think, is that, in a nutshell, is that I really felt that I could do it myself and that I didn’t need help from anybody else.

Dan: [on getting her finances right for their mortgage application] So, like I can forgive you on the first time, I can forgive you on the second time, but like as a family, if we want to have a family together and grow together, like this can’t happen anymore.

Ramit: Notice the language that Dan is using here. He said, my trust was rocked, this can’t happen again, and I felt violated. This is a huge issue in their relationship. Now, if you were in my role, what would you do right now? Where would you take the conversation? My instinct is telling me something here, it’s telling me to dig deeper, and it’s telling me that they don’t fully understand the implications of what’s going on right here.

I’ve talked to lots of people, and they’ll say, oh, yeah, this is a big deal, this is a nine out of 10, and the other partner will agree, but when I probe to see if they really understand what’s at stake, that sometimes, they are weeks away from potentially ending the relationship, the other partner is totally stunned. Most people don’t truly appreciate the consequences of their actions on their partner.

People with money problems love to talk about their money problems, but it’s not enough to talk about your problems. It’s not even enough to admit you have a problem, like Jordan just did when she admitted she knew it would be awful. This is where people commonly make a mistake. They’ll say things like, I get it. I totally screwed up by showing up late again, or I know, I need to stop overspending on the credit card.

Guys, admitting a problem is a good first step, but it’s just the first step, especially when a partner is involved. They need to see change, not just hear words. I want to probe how Jordan is feeling about this. I think she’s using a lot of words, but I still don’t really understand how this is affecting her.