Nikki Glaser’s ‘Conclave’ Song ‘Pope-ular’ Deserves Lyrics

Not all heroes wear capes, and not all winners get trophies. One of the biggest winners to come out of the 82nd annual Golden Globes broadcast was its host, Nikki Glaser, who may not have won in her category (she was up for Best Comedy Special) but whose sharp monologue washed out the stink of last year’s ceremony. Throughout a very chaotic evening (what was with that presenter staging?), Glaser consistently delivered, occasionally popping up in a new outfit to deliver a new bit. Best and biggest of the bits began with her in a ridiculous costume blending Glinda and the pope, singing an unholy Wicked x Conclave parody song. “You will be … pope-ular! You’re gonna be pope-u-lar. I’ll teach you some Catholic prayers,” she sang, before getting “interrupted” by a fake stage note in her earpiece and turning away from the audience. “I’m sorry, what? Wait, this sucks? This whole thing sucks? I’m embarrassing myself in front of Elton John?”

Good one! She got us!

Except … some of us were ready to actually go along with a good old-fashioned corny Billy Crystal–style musical parody. Look at Ariana Grande’s face in the audience when Glaser says the part about how this bit sucks. Dismay! As a gift to Ariana Grande, and because this will be stuck in Vulture writers’ heads all night if I don’t get it out on paper now, I regretfully present you with: “Pope-ular.”

Pope-ular

You’re gonna be pope-u-lar

I’ll teach you the proper puns

When you talk to nuns 

Little ways to flirt and flounce, ooh!

I’ll show you what robes to wear

How to fix your hair

Everything that really counts to be pope-ular 

I’ll help you be pope-u-lar

You’ll hang with your acolytes 

You’ll be good at rites 

Know the prayers you’ve got to know

So let’s start!

Cause you’ve got to beat Tedesco

Don’t be offended by my frank analysis 

Think of it as personality hypostasis

Now that I’ve chosen to become a pal, a sis …

… ter (or a brother) 

There’s no-body other 

Not when it comes to … 

Pope-ular

I know about pope-u-lar

And with an assist from me to the papacy 

Instead of dreary where you were

(Well, are) 

You’re gonna do a vape pull

For becoming papal

-Ler

-Lar

Alleluiaaaaaaaa

Aaaaaaaaa

We’re gonna make you 

Pope

U

Lar

When I see depressing Catholics 

With their lame Nespress-ing gadgets 

I remind them on their own behalf

To

Think 

Of

Celebrated heads of church 

Or unbesmirched conclaviators

Did they have brains or knowledge?

Don’t make me laugh!

They were pope-ular?

RIGHT!

It’s all about pope-u-lar

It’s not about aptitude 

It’s the way you’re viewed

So it’s very shrewd to be 

Very very pope-ular 

Like

Bellini

Why Miss Cardinal Thomas Lawrence! 

Look at you … You’re beautiful!

(Ralph Fiennes: I have to go …)

You’re welcome!

And though you protest

That he’s intersex …

I know clandestinely

You’re gonna grin and bear it

Your newfound pope-u-larity

Alleluiaaaaaaa

Aaaaaa

You’ll be pope-u-lar

Just not

Quite as pope-u-lar

As Beniiiiiii