Photo: Bravo
One of the great mysteries of the Bravoverse has been solved! You might not have noticed it because it came during a sleepy scene where Salley and her extra e return home to hang out with her family and her new niece. She complains about the chickens she bought to impress Craig, even though everyone in the group told her it was a bad idea. She says the chickens stink, leave a mess, and won’t die nearly soon enough for her liking. Who is she telling all this to? Her sister, Clair. Do you see it? Clair. That is where Salley got her extra e from! She stole it from Clair! I’ve heard of intense sibling rivalries before, but even with Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine (look it up), this is the first case of sibling vowel theft we have on record.
There are a few family visits, and with them, the interminable questions about when everyone is going to settle down and have kids. Even as Shep is giving Craig and Rodrigo a tour of his new house, Craig is talking about how Shep can get married and have two kids in that house and still have plenty of room. Craig, you have known Shep for more than a decade. When has he ever given any indication that he was interested in getting married, starting a family, or having home décor that wasn’t centered around surfboards, which would allow him to have either of those things in his life?
It is a bit different when Austen goes home to have a chat with his mom, Wendy. They start talking about his relationship with Audrey and whether or not he’s going to forge ahead or cut her loose. We all know the answer, but it is still interesting to see Wendy basically tell Austen he needs to get serious about something in his life. But Wendy’s request isn’t selfish. It’s not that she wants “grandbabies” to play around with. “Having kids was the best thing I ever did,” she tells Austen, with tears in her eyes and loss in her heart. “The best thing I ever did … don’t lose sight of that.” This isn’t the regular nosiness of this conversation; this is a mother wanting the same thing for her son that brought her so much joy in life. This is someone trying to share a gift, and for the only time this season, I will allow it.
After we watch Molly sniff her America’s Next Top Model weave, Craig explains how bee baths work, and Charley swoons a bit on her oyster date with Craig, the main action of the episode is the ill-fated birthday dinner that Whitney plans for Austen. It’s at a somewhat fancy place, and Austen, the birthday boy, shows up to meet the other OG dudes in the group wearing shorts. Shorts! Shep looked more put-together in the opening faux-sitcom scene of the episode when he wakes up in Craig’s guest room in a short-sleeve button-down and compression shorts. I know we can all take liberties on our birthdays, but if he had shown up in his birthday suit, he would have been better dressed.
The evening starts nicely enough, where Craig and Austen swallow their simmering resentment like they swallow the Nitrotinis that come steaming off the bar. It’s even sweeter when they all go around toasting one another and their long-standing friendships. Things start to take a turn when Craig makes a “preposition” that they will all be nice to each other at this dinner. That’s interesting coming from Craig, who is usually the first person to bring anger to the table. As Austen walks to the bathroom with Whitney, he’s already bitching about how annoying the “preposition” is.
Austen isn’t blameless, either. The two have been expressing all sorts of displeasure with each other for seasons now, to the point that everything one says totally pisses the other off. Austen won’t let Craig off the hook for anything, and Craig finds fault with everything about Austen. Whitney, of all people, described the situation perfectly. He says that Craig is a bully who will shout “Fuck you!” at you one day and the next day act like your best friend as if nothing happened. Austen is someone who holds grudges, so each time that happens, his anger ratchets up. What we’re left with, Whitney says in a way only he could, is “this circle jerk of stupidity and acrimony that keeps festering.”
It all starts to go awry when, countless drinks in, Austen toasts his friends, even though they are also sometimes his enemies. Craig says they were enemies in the past, but not anymore. Austen reminds him that just days ago he told Salley that Austen was his enemy. Craig says he felt betrayed, like Austen is always rooting against him, and tells us, in a confessional, that he thinks that Austen doesn’t share his value system.
The fight devolves until we realize what it’s really about. Like so many of these arguments, it is a fight about the show. Austen feels he was manipulated by Craig, specifically last season, when they had their discussion on the beach, where Craig talked about his addiction issues and how they were affecting their friendship. Austen thinks that Craig knew he had a lot of things to answer for in their friendship, so he brought up addiction to shut Austen up. Now, a year later, he’s back to his same old drinking habits, including at this dinner, where he has more glasses in front of him than the manager at LensCrafters. I felt like Austen was making a very valid point.
In retaliation, Craig says, “He just made my drinking problem about him.” That’s also true, but I don’t think it’s about the drinking problem; I think it’s about the lying. Which is true? Is it that Craig has a drinking problem? Okay, if that’s true, then the group needs to address why he’s drinking so much this season, and no one is saying anything about it. Or is the truth that Craig doesn’t have a drinking problem, or any other addiction issues. If so, then he certainly was manipulating Austen to not talk about their deeper issues. Shep says Austen’s comments are wrongheaded, but I think Shep is missing the bigger point. Austen doesn’t want to continue looking like a jerk for how he treats Craig if Craig is somehow misrepresenting himself or the situation. As usual with Craig, it all comes down to when (or even if) he is telling the truth.
Craig also says that Austen is a different person when filming, but doesn’t elaborate how. He then takes on a different, more personal attack, saying Austen blames him for his life being the same as it was five years ago. That seems a little below the belt. Also, how is Craig’s life that much different? Other than his pillow empire taking off, he’s still single, in the same town, on the same show, doing the same thing. What’s so different? That he has bees and an assistant who will murder someone to make Craig fall in love with him? Other than the business piece, Austen is in the same exact space as Craig. I also don’t think Austen is blaming Craig for his problems. It seems like Austen is just raising the issues he has with Craig, but isn’t pointing them out as the cause of problems in his own life. His annoyance with Craig and his annoyance with his business seem to be two totally separate issues.
Whitney and Shep are almost entirely silent because they’re just bickering back and forth until Craig eventually says that Austen hates him. Austen answers, “I do fucking hate you,” which Whitney tells him immediately to apologize for. But Austen can’t do that because he’s dissociating. In his mind, he’s somewhere else. In his mind, he’s somewhere safe, on the screened-in porch with his mother sipping an Aperol spritz and picking at a plate of nuts, olives, and other assorted snacks. The sun is slanting through the trees, creating pockets of light and warmth on the floral-print sectional. It’s homey, it’s comfy, it’s supportive in its way, and Austen thinks about his mother asking him when he is going to raise a child, and then Austen thinks that he’s been raising one for years — he just didn’t know that child was Craig.